


The Habit I Can't Break

by jekisawrites



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, and a bit more linctavia, and theres a little bit of abuse, theres a little minty in this, theres angst, theres fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:15:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23644474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jekisawrites/pseuds/jekisawrites
Summary: Clarke is one of those people who Bellamy can’t quite remember how they met. He vaguely remembers a time in his life where she didn’t exist, but the memories with her, the memories that come after meeting her, are much more vibrant and detailed than the others. He reckons they met in middle school. It was around that time that Clarke somehow became a fixture in his life. Growing through his cracks like the dandelions that grew in the sidewalk that he and Octavia made wishes on before they were old enough to know better. Then, suddenly, she was everywhere.Or, the one where Clarke can't stop proposing to Bellamy.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 22
Kudos: 166





	The Habit I Can't Break

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Habit by Louis Tomlinson 
> 
> Except for that last two paragraphs, I wrote this all in one sitting, which is not a Jess Thing To Do. It's also almost midnight and I've only read over it twice, so pls excuse any mistakes. 
> 
> Fair Warning: There's mention of sibling physical abuse, so if that's a trigger for you tread with caution.  
> It's not detailed or anything, just mentioned a few times in passing. 
> 
> Happy reading, friends!

Clarke is one of those people who Bellamy can’t quite remember how they met. He vaguely remembers a time in his life where she didn’t exist, but the memories with her, the memories that come after meeting her, are much more vibrant and detailed than the others. He reckons they met in middle school. It was around that time that Clarke somehow became a fixture in his life. Growing through his cracks of his soul like the dandelions that grew in the sidewalk that he and Octavia made wishes on before they were old enough to know better. Then, suddenly, she was everywhere. Bellamy doesn’t think he’d change it for much. 

Their friendship is like most childhood friendships. There were years when they’re glued to the hip, years when they rarely saw each other, and other years when they only saw each other in passing. Yet, once she graduated high school, she somehow became the most constant person in his life. Which, sadly doesn’t mean a whole lot looking at his family history, but. 

He thinks she’s probably his best friend. 

Bellamy is thinking all of this while she sits across from him at their favorite coffee shop drinking her dirty chai and enjoying her pumpkin muffin. 

“You’ve been quiet today.” 

She pulls him out of his head, and he looks at her a little startled, “Oh, sorry.” 

Clarke tilts her head to the side with an amused smile, “You don’t have to apologize, Bellamy. I was just making an observation. You okay?” 

He takes a moment to genuinely think on that question. _Is he okay?_ He thinks he is, but he’s not entirely sure what okay is anymore. The past few years have been difficult in more ways than one for him. 

“As okay as I can be right now,” and he thinks that’s the most honest way he can answer. 

Her smile turns the tiniest bit sad, and she reaches for his hand, “Need anything from me?” 

He shakes his head and turns his hand over so he can squeeze hers, “Just this.”

Her smile turns blinding then, and she takes her hand back and pulls off a piece of her pumpkin muffin for him to try. He takes it, his mouth watering before he even pops it in his mouth. 

“I was cleaning out my closet the other day, and…. Oh, come on. Don’t look at me like that.” She pouts a little, and he can’t help but laugh. 

“Were you genuinely cleaning or just trying to make room for all your crap?” 

“It’s not _crap,”_ She argues, but she’s still smiling, “anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, I came across some old Polaroid pictures of us.” 

Bellamy throws his head back and groans, “How embarrassing are they? 1-10.” 

“For you? Probably a three. For me? Definitely an eleven.” 

He rests his elbows on the table, “Oh, I need to hear more.” 

She laughs and pulls her purse in her lap, “I can do one better. I brought the pictures.” 

She slides over a small stack of pictures, and he carefully picks them up. He doesn’t remember the first one all that well, which is probably of some fault of the drink that’s pictured in his hand. It’s a blurry photo of him and Clarke. She’s wearing that bright yellow rain jacket she loved so much during college, and she’s barefoot. His hair is damp and his jeans are rolled up to his knees. Clarke is leaning into him, and he has his arm draped across her shoulder with a lopsided grin. 

Octavia is in the background with a bottle of fireball. His chest aches at the sight of his baby sister, but he pulls his focus back on him and Clarke. 

It’s actually a pretty cute picture of them. 

“This one is not at all embarrassing for you,” he flips it around to show her. 

She smiles, “I know. But it was just too good to not share with you.” 

He goes to the next one. Once again it’s of him and Clarke. He remembers this one, though. It was at Murphy’s St. Patrick’s Day party. While Bellamy was happy enough to just wear a green shirt, Clarke is all decked out. There’s a clover headband, clover sunglasses, and has face paint on her cheeks. 

Clarke leans across the table to look at the photo, “I look ridiculous here!” 

“Yeah, but you had fun.” 

He flips to the next one, and his heart constricts a little. He remembers that night all too well. They’re at Murphy’s again, and they’re all being young and stupid and entirely too drunk. It was when he had a very intense crush on her, but she had just gotten out of a pretty crappy relationship. 

Clarke was on his back, one hand in his hair, and another holding a drink. He had the goofiest grin on his face, and it’s a miracle she hadn’t realized he was half in love with her at that point. 

_He was having a very deep, very drunk conversation with Monty about their future careers. Monty, as usual, was being very supportive of his many plan B’s._

_“Dude. You don’t need a Plan B. You’re going to graduate, find a job, and rock it out of the park. But this sounds cool, too.”_

_He was about to tell Monty that_ everyone _needs a plan b when someone jumped on his back. It took him only seconds to know it was Clarke._

_“Bellamy Blake,” she mumbles against his cheek._

_“Clarke Griffin,” he all but laughs._

_“Can you please take me to get another drink?”_

_He wants to tell her she can walk to the counter on the other side of the room herself, but her legs tighten around his waist and hands go in his hair, and he’s halfway to the drinks before his mouth could form the word no._

_She stays on his back until he dumps her on the couch, collapsing beside her. He’s half asleep when she curls in next to him._

_“You’re my plan A, and B, and C, and all the others,” She mumbles into his shoulder._

_He chuckles and relaxes deeper into the couch, sleep already tugging at him, “Yeah, you’re mine, too.”_

_He’s half asleep and doesn’t think he was meant to hear, but all the same he hears her next words perfectly, “One day, I’m going to marry you, Bellamy Blake.”_

“I got so drunk that night! Remember?” Clarke’s voice brings him back to the present. 

“Oh, I definitely remember this night. We fell asleep on Murphy’s couch. I think that had to have been the most uncomfortable night’s sleep in my life.” 

She shrugs, “I don’t know. I remember it being pretty damn comfortable.” 

He wants to say that’s because she hogged the couch, blanket, and had him as a pillow. But he refuses to let the words leave his mouth. 

The next and last picture brings a smile to his face. It’s one of his fondest memories. It’s them again, of course, with Miller and Raven. 

They had all gone to a music festival together. Clarke was sunburned, Miller was shirtless, and Raven had a flower crown that Bellamy had made for her. Somehow Clarke had found a lost ring, and it only took her seconds to kneel on one knee and propose to Bellamy. He had been just tipsy enough to say yes and not to overthink it when he kissed her. 

He can feel Clarke’s eyes on him, and he looks up to see her watching him carefully. Then, softly she says, “You know, technically we’re still engaged.” 

His stomach swoops dangerously low, and he clears his throat before responding, “I think all the fucked up relationships we both had afterwards broke off our engagement.” 

She smiles, soft, and it takes everything in him not to lean forward and kiss her. 

“You’re an idiot.” 

He glares at Miller, “What now?” 

His friend drops his backpack on the scarred coffee table and perches at the edge of it. Miller rests his elbows on his knees and gives Bellamy a stink eye. 

“I heard about all the pictures Clarke showed you. And the ‘we’re practically still engaged’ nonsense, and you just ruined that moment with your unfiltered idiocy.” 

Bellamy puts down his book, making sure to turn the page down so he can find it later. “How did you even hear about that?” 

“Did you forget that Jasper was working? Did you forget that Jasper is the biggest gossip of all? Did you forget that he’s my boyfriend’s best friend?” 

He rolls his eyes, “Okay, Miller. I get it.” He huffs, “But it wasn’t like that. You know how Jas can be. There was no ‘moment’ to ruin.” 

Miller snorts, “I highly doubt that. I also know how you can be. You wouldn’t know a moment if it steamrolled you.” 

“Your faith in me is astounding.” 

“And misplaced.” 

The next day, Clarke drags Bellamy to go on a hike with her. He hasn’t been hiking since he last went with Octavia, and the memories threaten to drown him. He takes a deep breath, remembers what his therapist told him, and visualizes placing Octavia in her box. 

Clarke takes his hand and gently tugs, “We’re almost to the lookout, Bellamy!” 

Her excitement comes off in waves, and it’s impossible not to catch some of it. He welcomes the excitement that gradually spreads throughout his skin, and allows it to push him on. 

Clarke stops at the first lookout. Octavia and him never stopped here. His sister’s determination to get to the top always took priority over taking in all the views. Now, sitting here with Clarke on the fallen tree, Bellamy wishes he would’ve taken the time to do this with O, too. 

“O and I used to hike this trail.” 

Clarke looks at him, a mixture of awe and concern etched on her features, “You should’ve told me, Bellamy. I would’ve picked a different trail.” 

He chuckles, “I can’t avoid everything we did together. Wouldn’t be healthy. Besides, that would mean I wouldn’t be able to hang out with you.” 

He bumps her shoulder, and she grins. 

“How are… Have you spoken to her recently?” She asks it so quietly that the wind nearly carries it away without him hearing. 

He shakes his head, “Not since I called her on her birthday.”

There’s a pause, and he can tell Clarke is waiting for him to say more. He breathes in the fresh air, and takes refuge in the evergreens towering around them. “My therapist tells me I need to keep her in her box.” He glances at her, “It’s this method–” 

Clarke stops him, “I know what it is. I’ve had to use it with my mom.” 

She loops her arm in his and rests her head against his shoulder, “Tell me about her box.” 

“It’s blue, which was her favorite color. And it’s this, uh, Octavia used to have this wooden tool set that our grandfather made her. It came with this wooden box for all the tools. It’s that, but with holes on the top so she can get air and a lock to keep it closed.” 

“Does she ever escape?” 

Bellamy snorts, “Yeah, I’ve resulted in putting a chain around the entire box to keep it shut.” 

“Does it work?” 

“Mostly.” 

Clarke nods like she understands, and he thinks out of all of his friends, she would understand the best. They sit there in silence for a while, listening to the woodpeckers and the songs of nature. Both of them letting the cool autumn breeze brush away some of their bruises. 

There’s another peaceful moment and then, “My mom set me up on a blind date with one of her coworker’s sons.” 

Bellamy tries not to stiffen at the news, “When’s the date?” 

“Tonight.” 

He pulls her closer to him and kisses the top of her head. Clarke lets out a long sigh. 

By Thanksgiving Clarke and Cillian are Facebook official. Bellamy tries not to wallow.

Murphy walks by and tosses him a beer, “You have no one to blame but yourself, man.” 

Bellamy can’t argue. 

Not much changes between Bellamy and Clarke once she starts dating Cillian. They still get together every Sunday for coffee. They still text each other constantly. Clarke still calls him right as she gets off work, even if she knows he can’t answer. She tells him all about her day, even if it’s over voicemail. Bellamy is still in love with her. 

The only big difference is that Clarke goes to their friends’ gatherings with Cillian rather than Bellamy. 

Everything is fine. 

Clarke nudges his foot with her own, “What’s got your head in the clouds?” 

He sits up and leans on his elbows, the grass tickling his skin. They had gone to their coffee shop, but it had been busy. They ended up walking a few blocks to the town park after getting their coffees and her pastry. Clarke picked a spot near the pond and was feeding her pumpkin bread to the ducks. 

“Can’t a guy daydream in peace?” 

Clarke glances at him, happiness evident in her eyes, “Not when you’re supposed to be hanging out with me.” 

This time, Bellamy nudges her foot with his, and she laughs. 

She tosses another piece to a nearby duck, “What do you think of Cillian?” 

He squints, “What?” 

She tosses him a piece, and he catches it in his mouth. She looks a little too proud even though he was the one that caught it without warning. 

“Everyone else has told me that they love him, well, except for Murphy. But I half believe he hates everyone except for us.” 

“Sometimes including us.” 

She smirks, “Exactly.” 

She waits a moment before asking again. 

He eyes her carefully, “Why do you care what I think?” 

Clarke shrugs, suddenly an insecure movement that is foreign on her, “I care what your opinion is on most aspects of my life, Bellamy. You know that.” 

He did not know that. 

Bellamy sits up straighter, “I think he’s fine, Clarke.” 

She huffs, “ _Fine_ is not a glowing endorsement from you.” 

She tosses him another piece, and this time he barely catches it. He enjoys the pumpkin bread before deciding to answer. Thankfully, she doesn’t rush him. 

“What did you think of Echo?” 

She immediately gives him a flat and unimpressed look, “Are you seriously comparing my current boyfriend to your ex who I hate?” 

He lies back down on the grass, “I wasn’t aware you hated her. But, no. What did you think of her while we were dating?” 

“That she was fine.” 

Bellamy waves his arms in the air, trying to show he proved his point. 

“Okay, but no.” He can hear the frustration in her voice, “That’s different. You two didn’t last.” 

“And who’s to say you and Cillian will last?” 

_“Bellamy.”_

He hums, but doesn’t say more. 

There’s a few tense minutes before Clarke breaks the silence, “You really think Cillian and me won’t last?” 

He shrugs, “I think you’re only in this relationship to please Abby. If it ends up that you genuinely love the guy, I’ll be happy for you. But, right now? I don’t see you loving him.” 

Clarke doesn’t say anything in response, and soon she changes the subject entirely. 

New Year’s comes suddenly, taking Bellamy by surprise. As does Clarke’s request to ride with him to Raven’s New Year’s party. 

“Cillian is out of town. I don’t really feel like driving there by myself, and my place is on your way…” 

“If by on my way you mean completely out of my normal route, then yes.” 

“So, you’ll pick me up?” 

He sighs, “I’ll be there at eight.” 

The party is small and tame compared to their parties in the past, and for that Bellamy is thankful. He doesn’t think he can take another year of taking care of all his drunk friends. 

It’s tame, but he still spots Jasper and Murphy in the kitchen doing jell-o shots. 

Clarke appears by his side, “You think those two will ever grow up?” 

He drapes his arm over her shoulder, “That’s as likely as Octavia ever apologizing to me.” 

She snorts, “That’s terrible.” 

“But you laughed.” 

She elbows him in the ribs, and he lets out a surprised laugh. 

The night flies by with laughter, 90’s music, and too many memories he’s scared of losing. Before he knows it, there’s a minute to midnight, and Clarke is once again by his side. 

“Did you know that whoever you enter New Year with, is supposedly the person you spend the year with?” 

He looks down at her, and he’s taken aback by how beautiful she looks. “Clarke, we’ve spent every year together for years.” 

She shrugs, an emotion he can’t quite read on her face, “Yeah, but I’m not taking any chances this time.” 

Bellamy takes her hand and gives it a soft squeeze. He keeps holding it while they all countdown to midnight. He expects to enter the New Year just like that: holding the hand of the woman he’s in love with while his friends set off poppers and kiss their significant others. But as their friends all begin to shout _Happy New Year!_ Clarke leans up and pecks him quickly on the lips. 

It’s over and done before Bellamy can process what is happening. He stares at her, and he’s sure he looks as ridiculous as he feels. Then her phone rings, and she looks apologetic when she says, “Hold on. This is Cillian.” 

He stands there, frozen in place, and a little dumbfounded when Raven runs up to him. 

“Where’s Clarke?” 

He shakes his head, gathers his thoughts, “She went down the hall to talk to Cillian.” 

Raven is about to go follow Clarke, but she hesitates and turns back to Bellamy, “Did I just see Clarke kiss you?” 

He nods once, not sure what else to say. 

“Right. Okay. I’m going to go find Clarke.” 

He nods again, and then Raven disappears. 

He’s on Raven’s front porch watching her neighbor’s fireworks when Clarke finds him again. 

“Cillian told me to tell you hi.” 

He studies her for a moment before nodding, “Tell him I say hi back next time you talk to him.” 

He’s leaning his arms against the railing, and Clarke is resting her back against it watching him. “I told him I kissed you. It was just. Uh, a New Years kiss, you know? He was fine with it. He knows…” 

“We’re just friends.” Bellamy finishes for her, with a smile he hopes doesn’t look as bitter as he feels. 

Even though she smiles, she doesn’t look happy, “Exactly.” 

Bellamy thinks it’s the alcohol that gives her the courage to say what she does next. 

“Did you know I was in love with you in high school?” 

He glances at her, but soon goes back to the fireworks, “I was in love with you in college.” 

He tells himself it’s not a lie, because he wasn’t in love with her from college until now. There were breaks, he thinks. Like when he was dating Echo, and when he was so numb by everything Octavia was doing to him, he couldn’t feel much of any emotion. Including love. 

“I was jealous of Gina for a long time. You two seemed to have the perfect relationship.” 

He watches one, two, three fireworks go off, “No relationship is perfect, Clarke.” 

She sighs, and somehow that simple act sounds broken, “I know.” 

Bellamy welcomes summer and the warmth of the sun with open arms. Whenever Clarke comes over, she almost always finds him in his hammock. She doesn’t think twice about crawling in and joining him. 

It’s one of those days when Clarke once again joins him in the hammock, but curls up so tight that Bellamy knows something is wrong. He stays quiet and waits her out. 

“Things aren’t going great with Cillian.” 

He hums and watches the clouds pass over them. 

“He wants to join Doctors Without Borders.” 

Bellamy twists his neck at a painful angle to look at her, “Isn’t that a good thing?” 

“I mean, I guess. It _is_ a good thing. I know that. He wants to help people, which is great. But he wants to move halfway across the world for who knows how long, and I’m just supposed to sit and wait for him?” 

Bellamy isn’t entirely sure how to respond, “Are you? If he goes, will you wait for him?” 

Clarke shrugs, “It feels like a pretty shitty thing to break up with a good person just because he wants to go save lives.” 

He plays with the ends of her hair, and soon she rolls over and rests against him. They both lie there, soaking up the warmth, and trying to forget their troubles. 

Cillian leaves a few months later, and Clarke promised she’d wait. Bellamy isn’t sure it’s the wisest decision, but he’s not the one dating Cillian. He supposes his opinion holds little weight. 

It’s Halloween night when Clarke gets drunk for the first time in a while. Not tipsy drunk, but full on messy drunk. She clings to him no matter where he goes. He physically has to untangle himself from her to go to the bathroom, and when he comes back to sit next to her on the couch, her head is almost immediately in his lap. 

As the night goes on, all of his friends gather in the living room asking each other pointless and ridiculous questions. 

“Murph,” Miller points his finger at him, “If you had to marry someone in this room, who would it be?” 

Murphy pretends to think about it, “Myself, obviously.” 

Jasper looks confused, “Is that legal?” 

“Definitely not,” Monty says without trying to laugh at his friend. 

“If I _had_ to choose,” Murphy finally says, “I guess it would be Bellamy, but like… he wouldn’t be my top choice outside of this group.” 

Bellamy chuckles, “Thanks for the ringing endorsement.” 

Murphy shoots him a smile, “Anytime, pal.” 

Clarke is still in his lap playing with a loose string on his jeans. He hears her hum something and then says, “I would marry Bellamy.” 

The room goes quiet and she continues, “Out of everyone in the world, I would marry Bellamy.” 

She turns over so she can look up at him, and Bellamy isn’t entirely sure what his face is doing right now. 

“Will you marry me, Bellamy?” 

He brushes strands of her hair out of her face. Carefully he says, “You’d have to be single or dating me for me to answer that question.” 

She pokes out her bottom lip in a pout, but the conversation is soon forgotten when she rolls off his lap, “I have to pee!” 

Once she’s gone, all of his friends stare at him. 

“Dude.” He’s pretty sure it was Miller. 

“I don’t want to hear it, guys.” Is all he says, and then he gets up to start cleaning up the kitchen. 

He doesn’t stay long after that, and gets Raven to take Clarke home. 

Clarke stays with Cillian two more years after that, and Bellamy does his best to be a supportive friend. But slowly, he starts to pull himself away from her. 

“She’s in love with you. I just know it.” Murphy has his feet propped up on the scarred coffee table while he sips on a coffee he helped himself to while Bellamy was in the back. 

Bellamy scoffs, “If she was in love with me, she wouldn’t be dating Cillian.” 

“Remember when she proposed to you?” 

“Both times.” 

Murphy chokes on his coffee, and Bellamy mildly thinks he deserves it, “I’m sorry, what do you mean _both_ times?” 

He shrugs, “She proposed to me _as a joke_ like, I don’t know, five or six years ago.”

Murphy just stares, “How have I never heard about this?” 

“It was when we went to that music festival. I don’t think you could make it because of finals or something.” 

“I was so mad about that!” Murphy takes another sip of coffee, this time carefully swallowing it, “Still, I’m surprised no one told me about this.” 

“There was nothing to tell.” 

Clearly, by the look on Murphy’s face, he didn’t agree. 

Distancing himself from Clarke was surprisingly easy to do. He started off letting a few of her phone calls go to voicemail, and then all of them. He made Sunday plans that didn’t involve meeting with her to get coffee. Somehow, he managed to make himself so unavailable to her, that eventually he only ever saw her when all their friends got together, which became less and less frequent the busier they all became. 

He missed her, but he couldn’t go on being her friend while she dropped those comments so freely while dating someone else. 

Bellamy needed to take care of himself first this time. 

When him and Raven go for a run around the park, she stops to say, “Clarke asked about you.” 

He fumbles clumsily for a response before landing on, “Oh yeah?” 

Raven stretches, “What’s going on between the two of you? Y’all were as close as thieves, and now you’re… not?” 

Bellamy falls on the grass and mentally asks the sky for the right answer. It doesn’t respond. 

“We just drifted apart, I guess.” 

Raven scoffs at that, “As if. Drifting apart takes two people. Clarke has no idea what happened between the two of you. She says one day you were there, and the next you weren’t.” 

He peers up at her, “It wasn’t that quick.” 

Raven doesn’t say anything, just gives him a pointed glare that tells him he better start talking, and soon. 

“I just couldn’t do it anymore. I needed to move on from her, and I couldn’t do that if we kept being...us.” 

She sits down in the grass next to him, “Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”

“I don’t want to be the reason she breaks up with Cillian.” 

Raven throws her hat at him, hitting him in the eye, and goes to stand up. 

“What the hell? Where are you going?” 

She’s already running before he can sit up. She calls over her shoulder, “Home. I hate the both of you, and can’t take it anymore.” 

“Don’t you want your hat?” He calls after her, but she doesn’t turn around or stop. 

It’s only a few weeks later when he sees Clarke while he’s ordering his coffee. She’s sitting at their usual coffee with what he would bet was a dirty chai and their seasonal muffin. She spots him as he’s called for his coffee, and waves him over. 

Bellamy isn’t a monster, so he walks towards her. 

Her smile is hesitant and unsure, and he hates himself a little. 

“Hey, stranger.” She kicks the chair across from her, “Wanna sit for a second?” 

Bellamy mulls it over, but he knows that as soon as she asked, he didn’t really have an option. 

He sits across from her, and takes a sip of his coffee. They struggle through small talk for a while before she hits him with the news. 

“Octavia called me earlier this week.” 

His heart starts to race, and he can feel all the locks around that box start to come undone. “What did she want?” 

Carefully, she says, “She wanted to know how you were.” 

Bellamy doesn’t say anything. There’s nothing to say. 

“I realized then that I don’t even know how to answer that question. I said you were doing okay, but for all I know, you’ve been shit.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“ _Fine_ is not a–” 

“Glowing endorsement.” He finishes for her with a smile. “I know. But I’m making it.” 

She goes to take his hand, a movement that is so familiar to him, but she stops herself. “What happened, Bell?” 

He knows his two options are to either lie or be honest. He doesn’t want to lie to Clarke, not even now. 

He takes a sip of his coffee hoping that it gives him courage, “I couldn’t be the friend you needed me to be while I was in love with you.” 

Clarke’s shocked expression is almost comical. Almost. 

He goes on, “I needed to take time and figure things out. I needed to take care of myself for a little while.” 

She doesn’t say anything, and so he stands up and grabs his coffee, “I’ll see you around, Clarke.” 

Miller is the one that tells him, “According to my sources, Cillian is planning on proposing to Clarke soon.” 

Bellamy’s heart stops, and he wonders how long he can live without a working heart. Not long, probably. 

That same day, Octavia calls him. He thinks about ignoring it, but his gut pulls him to answer it. 

“Octavia.” 

He hears her sigh, “Bell. I didn’t think you would answer.” 

“I almost didn’t.” He hates how he sounds, short and hard and not at all like the brother he once was. But, well, things change. 

“Yeah, that’s fair.” 

There’s a silence that stretches on until it’s almost unbearable, “Listen. I’ve been getting help. I know...” It sounds like she’s holding back sobs, “I know I did things that hurt you, but–” 

His mind flashes to that night at her apartment. The broken glasses, the pain around his eye, the bruise blossoming around his ribs. “The correct term is abuse, but go on.” 

“I’m _trying,_ Bellamy.” She makes a choking sound and then, “I’m going to therapy and trying to get my anger in check. And I… I’m sorry. You’re my brother, and I love you.” 

Another silence, this time filled with his heart shattering into a thousand different pieces. 

Eventually he’s able to say, “O, you’ll always be my sister, but I’m not there yet. I need more time.” 

It’s a shock when all she says is, “I get that, yeah. Okay.” 

“I’ve got to go but…” 

“You can call me. Whenever you’re ready.” 

“Thanks, O.” 

After, the one person he wants to talk to is the one person who he can’t talk to right now. 

Days turn to weeks turn to months, and Bellamy anxiously waits for the news of Clarke’s engagement. But it never comes. 

He’s in his car in the parking lot of their group’s favorite bar. Wells just moved back to town, and they’re having a celebratory night at the bar in reminisce of their younger days. 

Bellamy is having a hard time convincing himself to get out of the car. He watches Murphy and Emori walk up the ramp that leads to the outside bar. He watches Miller, Monty, and Jasper all fall out of Jasper’s tiny car. And then there’s Clarke, walking up the ramp with Wells, and his heart jumps in his throat. 

Finally, he finds the motivation to get out. Raven meets him on the ramp, and he’s thankful he doesn’t have to walk to the table by himself. Raven sits next to Wells, and then there’s only one seat left. It just so happens to be right in front of Clarke. 

They stare at each other for a moment, and then, “Hi, Bell.” 

He can’t help but smile at her, “Hi, Clarke.” 

The night is easy, reminding Bellamy why he decided all those years ago to keep these people around. He knows he is one of the lucky ones that gets to keep his college group intact after all these years. 

They eat first. All of them sharing each other’s food, and raving about what they all ordered. It’s been a long time since they were all here together. 

And everything is fine until the shots come. Murphy orders the first round, then Jasper. Bellamy feels truly betrayed when Miller and Raven order drinks for all of them, guilting Bellamy into drinking his. 

It’s then that he realizes it’s going to be a long night. He glances over at Clarke, who has that tipsy-almost-drunk shine. She looks deep in thought, and if this was when they were still close, he would ask what has her so deep in thought.

They start talking about Emori and Murphy’s engagement, and Bellamy can feel Clarke watching him. 

He tries to ignore it, but he’s weak when it comes to her. He glances over at her, and she gives him a wistful smile. 

It’s not long until she takes another shot, and Bellamy would be worried but he tells himself it’s not his job to take care of her. 

Then he hears her shouting, “Did you guys know that Bell and I have been in love with each other at all the wrong times our entire friendship?” 

Bellamy thinks that if they all hadn’t been drinking, it would be awkward. Fortunately, their friends just laugh. 

And then she starts telling their story, seemingly unbothered that no one but him is paying attention. 

“I think I loved you first,” She says, and Bellamy can’t find the words to stop her from going down this path. “When I first met you, you were so grouchy. At least, you seemed to be. Acted like you hated the world, but you didn’t, did you? You were just pretending because you were scared to get hurt.” 

She takes Wells’ drink who seems slightly worried, but is also too engaged in conversation with Raven to do much about it. 

“I wanted to marry you, Bellamy Blake. Told my parents that I would. Even told Octavia, and she told me you loved me, too. But you don’t love me anymore, do you?” 

And really, he wishes the world would open up and swallow him. 

Her thinking that he doesn’t love her anymore doesn’t seem to stop her though, “Wanna get married? Bet we can go to the courthouse.” 

“It’s closed right now, Clarke.” 

He mentally kicks himself for not having anything better to say. That seems to quiet her, though, and she leans her head against Wells’ back. 

Bellamy hopes that’s the end of it, but he knows Clarke. He knows _drunk_ Clarke, which means that this isn’t anywhere near finished. 

He starts sipping on his water, wanting to get out of here sooner rather than later. 

Soon they move from their table to the bar top, and somehow Bellamy manages to find himself right next to Clarke. 

“Bellamy!” She hugs him as if she just saw him, “I think Cillian is about to ask me to marry him.” 

“So I heard.” 

“But I don’t think I want to marry him, Bell. Is that awful of me? I’ve been dating him for three years, and he’s the sweetest and smartest person ever.” 

Raven, three people over, yells, “Excuse you! I’m the smartest person!” 

They all laugh, and Clarke is momentarily distracted again. 

A few of their friends go play darts, and Wells and Raven go to play pool. Clarke goes with them, but doesn’t stay long. Soon she’s right back beside Bellamy. 

She stares at him, all serious, “Why won’t you marry me?” 

Bellamy huffs, _“Clarke.”_ It hurts to say her name. “I never said no.” 

She pouts, “But you never said yes.” 

“I think you’re forgetting about Cillian.” 

“I don’t care about Cillian! I don’t want to marry Cillian!” She huffs out another breath, “We really should get married, Bell.” 

He realizes that drunk Clarke is never going to give this up, so he sighs, a little defeated and a little broken, “Okay, Clarke.” 

She falls into him then, all clumsy drunk and victorious smiles, “I knew you’d say yes eventually.” 

The next morning he finds Miller in his kitchen. He hands Bellamy a coffee just the way he likes it and a granola bar before he sits down across from him, “You want to talk about it?” 

Bellamy bangs his head against the table. 

“I'm genuinely concerned that you’re going to put her in that damn box with Octavia.” 

Without lifting his head up, Bellamy mumbles, “Clarke isn’t in a box. She’s in a corner surrounded by rusted tin boxes that refuse to move and the tiniest peep hole.” 

“In a corner?” 

“Yes.” 

“In a corner where?” 

“My brain house.” He lifts his head up then, and sees the incredulous look his friend is giving him, “It’s yellow with blue shutters and the downstairs walls are yellow, too.” 

“Downstairs?” 

“Yeah, three stories. There’s a basement. That’s where Octavia is.” 

“I feel like there’s so much to unpack here.” 

Bellamy gives him a flat look. 

“I mean, just the colors say enough.” 

“Yellow makes me happy. I can’t eat it like Van Gough so I’m making my Brain House yellow.” 

“Once again, so much to unpack here. Also, I thought Van Gough eating yellow paint wasn’t true?” 

“We can google it later.” 

Miller sighs and gives Bellamy a serious look, “I’m telling you this only because you’re my best friend and I’m actually worried. Cillian bought Clarke a ring. He called Raven to tell her and asked a lot of proposing questions. If you want to talk to Clarke about this, you better do it before he gets home.” 

Bellamy’s palms are clammy, “When does he get back?” 

“Tonight.” 

Bellamy stands in front of the house Clarke has been renting for the past four years. He’s probably fixed more appliances here than the landlord has. He walks up the steps and knocks on the door. He does his best to ignore that his hands are shaking. 

When Clarke opens the door, she looks like she just rolled out of bed, but when she sees that it’s him, she perks up. “Bellamy. Hi.” 

He awkwardly waves, but then stops and stands up straighter, “I’m only here to say a few things, and then I’m gone. It’s up to you as to what happens after.” 

She looks confused, which is fair. This wasn’t how he planned to start this conversation. Well, actually he didn’t do much planning at all. 

“You can’t just propose to me everytime we’re together and you get drunk, Clarke. It’s not fair to either one of us, and it’s definitely not fair to Cillian.” 

“I don’t do it _every_ time.” 

Bellamy gives her an unimpressed look. 

She crosses her arms over her chest, “Fine.” 

“You know I loved you, and I’m sure you can guess that I’m still in love with you. Honestly? I think I’ll never stop, even if we both end up with other people. But you dropping those comments about wanting to marry me and then begging me to marry you? Those have got to stop. I can’t take it anymore.” He takes a deep breath and goes on, “I’ve wanted to be with you since college. There were times where I thought I was over you. Like when I was dating Gina and Echo, but neither of those lasted. And I’m pretty sure it’s because of how I felt about you. I wasn’t being fair to them. And, Clarke, you’re not being fair to Cillian.” 

She’s staring at him, wide eyed and lips parted, “Bellamy…” 

“No, Clarke. That’s it. That’s all I needed to say. I’m walking away now. And you can choose whether you’re going to say yes when Cillian asks you to marry him tonight and stop with these comments or not. But I’m done, Clarke. I’m finished.” 

Clarke looks like she could cry, and he wants to comfort her. He stops himself, though, and takes a step back. “When you figure things out, you can let me know. Otherwise, you won’t be seeing me for a while.” 

It’s only when he’s back in his car that he realizes he probably ruined the proposal for Cillian. 

Clarke changes her status on Facebook to single three days later. He still doesn’t hear from her, though. He tells himself that’s okay. 

Later, he’s Christmas shopping at the mall when he sees a Little Drummer Boy ornament. That was Octavia’s favorite song when they were younger. He debated whether or not to buy it and ship it to her. In the end, he takes a picture of it and sends it to her in a text. 

Moments later he gets a text. 

_That’s so cute._

And then… 

_How are you?_

His fingers hover over his phone as he tries to decide how to respond. Finally he types out, _I’m okay. Hope you’re well. I’ll call you on Christmas._

_Right. Love you, Bell._

He pockets his phone after that, and keeps shopping. 

It’s months later and well after Christmas when Octavia calls him again. This time, the urge to ignore her call isn’t as strong. 

“Hi, O.” 

“Bell! I’m so glad you picked up. How are you?” 

“I’m good,” And he’s surprised to find that it’s true. 

It’s been four months since he confronted Clarke, and he still hasn’t seen or heard from her. It bothered him at first, but now he’s in a better head space. He has dinner nights with Miller and Monty, goes running every Sunday with Raven, and has started taking cooking classes with Murphy. There haven't been any group gatherings since the last. He thinks it’s because all of their friends know what happened, and are trying to give them time to heal, which really only makes him love his friends all that much more. 

He’s graduated from going to therapy weekly to once a month, and he’s been texting Octavia a little bit more. This is the first time they’ve spoken on the phone, though. 

She sounds relieved when she says, “Oh, I’m so glad to hear that.” 

There’s a beat. 

“So, why’d you call?” 

“Oh, yeah. Have I mentioned Lincoln to you?” 

Bellamy tries to think back to their texts, “Yeah, that guy you met in rehab?” 

“That’s right. Well, I hadn’t told you yet, but we’ve been dating a while, and, well. We’re getting married, Bell.” 

He feels himself smiling when he says, “That’s great, O! I’m happy for you.” 

Once again, he’s shocked to find that he means it. 

“Well, the thing is, I…” She trails off, and he can hear how nervous she is in her voice, “I was wondering if you’d be willing to walk me down the aisle?” 

There’s a knock on the door, and he goes to open it on autopilot. 

“What?” 

“I could just walk myself down the aisle. I’m sure no one would be surprised, but I really want it to be you.” 

Clarke is standing on the other side of the door with two coffees and a bag he just knows has two muffins in it. 

“Shit, uh.” Bellamy stares at Clarke, and then at his phone, “Fuck. Hold on.” 

He slams the door shut, not thinking, and goes back to Octavia, “You really want me to walk you?” 

“If you’re okay with it, yeah.” 

“I’m not saying yes, but if I do, can Clarke come?” He glances at the door, and his heart picks up realizing he slammed the door in her face. 

“Yeah, of course! And the wedding is in six months. You have time to decide. And really, only if you want to.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Okay.” He’s itching to open the door again, to see Clarke again, “Sounds good. I’ll call you back, okay?” 

Before Octavia responds, he’s already hanging up and swinging the door back open. And… she isn’t there. He steps out, frantically looking for her, and sees her walking back to her car. 

“Clarke! Wait!” 

He calls after, hops off his porch, and jogs the rest of the way to her. She turns around, and his heart breaks a little when he sees her tears, “Clarke. Hi, uh. Octavia was on the phone.” 

Clarke perks up a little at that, “You two are talking again?”

He nods, “Yeah, a little. She’s actually getting married and wants me to walk her down the aisle.” 

“Are you?” 

He shrugs, “I’m still deciding. I was kind of distracted when she asked.” He motions to her, silenting explaining that it was her arrival that threw him off. 

Clarke blushes, “Yeah, well. You didn’t have to slam the door shut.” 

“I had a lot going on, Clarke.” He teases, “I wasn’t really thinking.” 

She smiles, and something his chest blooms. He thinks it might be hope. 

“Well, that’s obvious.” 

They both stand there quietly watching the other before she says, “Cillian and I broke up.” 

“Yeah, I gathered.” 

“I, uh. If my many drunken proposals weren’t proof enough, I kinda want to be with you, too.” 

Bellamy feels his smile spread across his face, “Just kinda?” 

She shrugs, “Well you did walk out of my life after dropping all that on me.” 

He reaches out and brushes the tear stain that’s still on her cheek. She leans into his touch, and yeah. That’s definitely hope blooming. 

“Wanna come inside?” 

Clarke nods against his hand. 

He pulls away, and leads the way inside. Holding the door open for her, he says, “I hope one of those coffees is for me.” 

She purposefully steps on his foot as she walks past, “I haven’t decided yet.” 

Somehow Bellamy manages to drink his coffee and eat his muffin before coming to his senses and kissing Clarke. 

Bellamy ends up going to Octavia’s wedding. He doesn’t walk her down the aisle, and she was okay with it, which was a surprise all of its own. Even after all this time, he still expects explosions and eruptions from her, but maybe this time she really is trying to change. He supposes only time will tell.

Clarke goes with him, of course. He thinks she would’ve been by his side during this even if they weren’t dating, but that’s not something he has to worry over because they are and she is and that’s all his heart cares about. 

Lincoln’s family has a cabin in the Smoky Mountains, and that’s where Octavia and him have the ceremony. It’s small, maybe twenty other people there other than him and Clarke, but it’s nice. 

It’s the wedding he would have pictured for his sister before she turned into someone he didn’t recognize. 

They have a live band at the reception, some of Lincoln’s friends from college according to Indra, the woman who was sitting at the table with them. She was nice, if not intimidating, and is Octavia’s mentor. 

She doesn’t stay at the table with them for long. Soon she’s going to talk to other people she knows. Bellamy looks around. Other than his sister and Clarke, he doesn’t know a soul. Unless you count Lincoln.

Eventually O comes over to talk to them, and she’s wearing the biggest smile Bellamy has ever seen on her. 

“You look happy, O.” 

He didn’t think it was possible, but her smile grows even brighter, “I am. I really, really am.” 

She leans in to hug him, and he doesn’t pull away. He surprises even himself by leaning into the hug and holds her. 

She rests her cheek on his shoulder and whispers so only he can hear, “I’m glad you came, Bell. I know seeing me again couldn’t be easy on you.”

He holds her tighter and tries not to let her hear the tears threatening to come, “Sometimes the most difficult things are the ones worth fighting for.” He pulls back, just enough so he can see her face, “You’re my family, O. If we both keep working on it, we’ll end up better than we were before.” 

She sniffs and nods, “I hope so.” 

He watches as his baby sister walks away, and then goes back to sit with Clarke. Before he can, though, Clarke grabs his hand. 

She gives him a gentle tug, “C’mon. Let’s dance.” 

They dance to a few songs before going to get a drink. Bellamy is thankful for the break – his shoes have been killing him most of the night. He leans against a post, and Clarke leans against him. His arm draping over her shoulders like it belongs there. He takes time to watch the people around them dance and talk and love, and his heart tugs him towards Clarke. 

They’ve been dating six months, and he knows there is going to be a time where the New Relationship Glow wears off and they’ll have to put more effort in it. He knows they won’t always be this happy and content, maybe not even this in love in this same way. But those thoughts don’t scare him. After everything Clarke has seen him through, after everything they have been through together, he doesn’t see either one of them giving up on the other. Not now, not in this world or the next. 

Bellamy looks down at Clarke, and pulls her a little closer to him. He brushes a kiss against her temple. 

“Hey, Clarke?” 

She doesn’t turn to look at him, she makes herself at home against his side with a gentle hum. 

“We should get married.” 

He feels her tense up, and he does his best not to laugh. She takes a step back and looks at him, “Pardon?” 

He shrugs, “Let’s get married.” 

Her brows furrow, and if Bellamy didn’t know better he’d say she was angry. 

“You can’t be serious right now, Bellamy.” 

Well, maybe she actually was angry. 

“After all the times you’ve drunkenly proposed to me, this upsets you? We make sense, Clarke. The two of us together – it just makes sense. You’ve stuck by my side through all the ridiculous things in my life, and I hope you think I’ve been there for you. God knows I’ve done my best.” He takes a breath and runs his hands through his hair. The mountain air making it curlier than normal, “I know we haven’t talked about it, but what’s there to talk about? I’m going to spend the rest of my life fighting to be with you. I don’t even know why I’m having to sell this to you right now. I swear, if you say no after all the proposals you gave me…” 

Bellamy never finishes his threat because Clarke cuts him off with a kiss. When she pulls away, she’s smirking. 

“I can’t say yes or no if you don’t actually ask, you idiot.” 

Her voice is all fond and full of love, and Bellamy adores her. 

“Clarke, will you marry me?” He doesn’t give her a chance to respond before he adds, “I promise I’m not drunk proposing.”

Clarke shoves his chest, “I hate you.” 

All he can do is smile the most ridiculous, goofy smile of his life, “I’m going to take that as a yes.” 

Her smile is just as goofy as his, “Good, because I definitely want to marry you, Bellamy Blake.” 

Bellamy doesn’t remember much of his life before Clarke was in it. He remembers bits and pieces that are fuzzy and patchy, but the memories with Clarke are filled with colors he could only dream of. He doesn’t remember when he fell in love with her, either. One moment she’s the girl on his bus with a quick tongue and morbid jokes that make him laugh even though he shouldn’t. The next moment, she’s the person he’s constantly trying to get to, to stand beside, and to love. 

He’s certain that their life won’t be an easy one, and they’ll have difficulties and arguments and tears. But they’ve forgiven each other so much already, he doesn’t think a world exists where they ever reach a point where they can’t forgive the other anymore. He doesn’t think a world exists where they are willing to stop fighting for the other. 

Clarke Griffin is the most constant presence in his life, and he’s lucky enough to call her his best friend.

**Author's Note:**

> come hang with me on [tumblr](https://thefangirlingbarista.tumblr.com/)


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